To Cook Together: Hamentine's Day

getting ready for ham.

As of our second Valentine's Day together (2011) we've had a honey baked ham to celebrate. (The first Valentine's Day we had been dating like 2 weeks and I was being a strong woman who didn't need to spend some commercial holiday with her future husband.) Why the ham? Cause, we love TV and Dwight on The Office thought a ham was a perfect Valentine's Day present for Angela. So, that.

While the ham is always the same, the sides are different. This year we had mac & cheese + collards. I was in charge of the mac & cheese. I used a Mark Bittman recipe but I accidentally bought rice based pasta (oops) and somehow despite all the cheese there wasn't a ton of flavor. It wasn't horrible, but I didn't love it. Michael killed it with the collards. I'll let him tell the rest.

all the patterns.

My responsibility for Hamentines day is the really the most important. I procure the ham. I buy only the best. Iberian Spanish ham, you might be musing, no, not at all. Excuse the buzz marketing, but the best ham is purchased from Honeybaked Ham, and that is where I got it.

Now at the Honeybaked Ham, a kind elderly, black woman was trying to upsell me on adding some sides to the order. I was not interested in any of their frozen nonsense. She got a bit indignant, and quizzed me on what sides I would be making. I told her collard greens.

Maybe she thought I was being racist or something, but she found this suggestion somewhat comical. “What do you know about cooking collard greens,” she said.

“I know how to cook them,” I replied.

“Tell me how then,” she quizzed.

stunning greens.

And so I explained my recipe. It goes like this:

You will need: collards, an onion, a pork product (bacon, or for Hamentines diced ham), some hot sauce, broth (homemade chicken broth is just lovely), salt and pepper.

First, you shall prepare your mise en place. Dice your onion. Cube some ham. Tear the collards to exclude any ribs that may be present.

Second, sweat those onions. Lets say 5 minutes, medium high heat. That should do it. Then throw in the ham/bacon. If there are fatty pieces (granted all bacon is fatty), but fatty ham pieces, all the better! That is what we call flavor in the biz. After a couple minutes, dump in some stock. You want to be able to cover all the collards in stock, so how about a couple cups. Last, add a tablespoon of hot sauce, possibly more. I don't know your palate. That should be nice.

Bring it to a simmer, and let it sit for some time. Half an hour, hour, who knows. What are you binging on netflix? Friends, the Wire? Whatever, when your show is done, you are all set.

Now add the collards. Again you want them to be covered in stock. Here is the thing. The collards will shrink in heat. So do it in batches if you want. That cooking was real hard, watch another episode of a wire.

That 44 minutes to an hour will do the collards well. Those things are tough. They need to break down. So now after that time, taste some of the stock. Is it bland (it shouldn’t be)? If it is, add some salt, pepper, more hot sauce. Go crazy. Taste a collard. Is it tender? Then great, you are finished. Eat up. If not, give it some more time, no big deal, put on a Friends, bring out your finest cheeses and wine, and relax.

Oskar was desperate for a valentine of his own. so he wore a necklace.

There you have it. A collards recipe. Now back to my story. After I explained this to the lady at Honeybaked Ham lady, she replied, “You got some soul for a white boy.”

I asked her what I should change.

“Nah, that is how you do it.”

So there you have it, this is how you do it.